Between The Lines
by whitelilly0989
Summary: AU STORY: Where I’d once upon a time had fancied myself of being the most important thing in his life, I’d become the last option used in times of true desperation... I was last on the list and I'd always be. Ryan/Taylor
1. In Loving Memory

**Author's Note: **_So here's the deal. This story was inspired by a paragraph my best friend wrote that gave me an idea. I asked, she told me to go for it, and this came out. It was supposed to be a one shot but it got incredibly long... and since all of it it's already written, I'm going to just split it into parts and be posting this in the next few days (it only has ten parts, which means ten chapters)... after that, I'll hopefully be updating either The Dawning Day or Show Me What True Love is. _

_Another interesting thing with this story is that, I normally can't write with music playing, it sort of distracts me. But with this story was all kinds of different... I couldn't write it in silence. So, again, my best friend told me about a good song she thought I'd like and I loved it so much, I couldn't stop listening to it the whole time I was writing this. The song? 'Between The Lines' by Sara Bareilles, which ended up being the title of the fic. _

_Different parts have different songs that helped me write them, so that is going to be the theme of the story. (I work with themes if you've noticed with my other stories). This part for instance, was inspired by 'In Loving Memory' by AlterBridge... hence the title. All the chapters will have the title of the song that influenced them, so in case you want to get into the groove of the story, that's how you can do it. _

_Also, this is totally, completely-bordering-on-insanely- AU, and it's ten chapters worth of angst... don't say I didn't warn you. lol_

_Now off you go. _

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_**Dedication of the Chapter: **To all those people who have tasted what it's like to be devastated, destroyed and dissapointed and still, their hearts are big enough, marvelous enough, to keep on loving unconditionally..._

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter One**

"**In Loving Memory"**

I held the phone tightly to my ear. It was weird, I thought I'd left this life behind and still, here I was… not being able to hang up. It seemed almost pathetic how… easy it was to throw down the drain all the effort of so much time… I only had to hear his name.

"_Taylor, you still there?"_ I heard Seth's voice once more on the receiver and it brought me back.

"_Yeah, I was just…"_ I answered absentmindedly.

"_Being Taylor I know… listen"_ he said once again in that rapid voice _he_ and I used to hate. _"How much do you know me?"_

That cracked a smile. I knew Seth like the palm of my hand. We were practically the same individual, only difference was that I was a girl and he was a boy. We always liked anime, comic books, romantic movies even if he won't admit it… so I wondered where he wanted to take this… I hoped it wasn't somewhere too painful.

"_Um, let's see… I watched you cry __at the finale of Dawson's Creek, so I'd say… as much as the next guy?"_ I made my tone teasing.

"_Shh! I didn't cry!"_ he tried to defend himself.

"_Oh please we ALL saw you!"_ I was already laughing on the phone.

I remember that night, we'd all gathered up in the living room, Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, _he_ and I; to watch the forever and ever love triangle finally come to a close. Seth for a reason beyond me had always been a Dawson/Joey shipper while _he_ and I always rooted for Pacey, something about the underdog thing… and when we finally saw the fast-talking-teenage-soap-opera end with the star crossed lovers _we'd_ rooted for, it gave us hope… It gave _me_ hope… something I couldn't allow myself to have now.

Those were memories; warm ones… warm ones that ripped my heart out whenever I remembered why my life was cold now.

"_Air had just gotten inside my eye; it had nothing to do with Dawson and Joey!"_

"_Whatever Ezequiel… I have to go"_ I said hoping he would forget the motive of his phone call altogether… but he was Seth, he was pushy… that wasn't going to happen.

"_Look, I don't like to get mushy…"_

"_Liar…"_ I coughed. I was going in with the funnies hoping this wouldn't hurt too much.

"_Will you just shut up?"_ he laughed _"You're my best friend. You know me a lot. You know I wouldn't be spending a million bucks a second on this call to the other side of the world if it wasn't important"_

I swallowed hard and I felt my throat boil all the way down my stomach. Here was the catch, the punch line… here was the thing he was going to say that would crumble all my effort and will prove to me that I was a piece of paper when it was about will power. When it was about _him._

"_Seth… please…"_ I whispered _"you already know how this story ends"_

"_Ryan's in trouble, Taylor…"_ the sole mention of his name… wrenched my heart in pain and I felt it was hard to breathe. _"I'd never seen him so…"_

I don't really know why I cut him off. I told myself it was because I needed to end this phone call knowing practically nothing new about him but I knew it was because I didn't want to hear the end of that sentence… I didn't want to know if he was lost, hurt… angry… because it would increase my suffering.

"_It's not my place to help him anymore... I love you, but I can't do this Seth, not what you're about to ask…"_ Desperation colored my voice.

"_I know how the whole story with him left you. But he ran away from home, T. I need you to bring him back. The Kirsten's going mental, and crazy eyebrow man best known as dad doesn't know how to deal with her… you're my best friend, always have been since we were kids… you're our best friend, and regardless of what happened, he needs you."_

With each word the pain was just… unbearable. _He_ needed me, and I was glad Seth was calling _me_ this time. But I also knew, that if he'd run away from his home, from his family, it was because something big had happened… and I was the last resort.

That's what I was now: Seth and… _his_ last resort. Where I'd once upon a time had fancied myself of being the most important thing in both their lives but especially _his_, I'd become the last option used in times of true desperation. It didn't matter all the history, all the magic we'd lived together practically since the cradle, I was number two, the last on the list… and I'd always be.

_He_ and Seth … I couldn't even allow myself to think his name, had always been my best friends. Sun, rain or hail, we always had each other's back. I couldn't remember a day in my life where the Cohen's twins hadn't been warm to me and where we hadn't always been the three of us. But… _that_ happened and I'd left… and… a whole future I thought I had with whom I thought could be the love of my life just vanished…

I'd thought I'd left this life behind now, the cruel memories and the sad parts but still here I was… because _he _needed me.

"_Why did he run away?"_ I asked my voice barely there.

He hesitated on answering me, and I knew it was bad… really bad.

"_She, um…"_ I immediately knew which _she_ he meant… _"Marissa died… and he was there when it happened…"_

As usual, Seth kept on rambling but I heard nothing further than that. I didn't need to hear anything else; or was it that I couldn't? I don't know. Right at that second an image played up in my head. For the briefest of seconds my mind allowed itself to be a slave of my heart and the thing I'd blocked for that whole year was all I could see: his face. But in this image he wasn't as glorious or as happy as the unintentional flickers of what had once been _mine_ were back in the past. In this image he was pale; his eyes weren't the object of my vision anymore because the purple circles beneath his eyes were catching all my attention. In that image in my head, breathless and torn was all that spoke to me as I stared at him… his expressionless dark face being somewhat recognizable even if I'd never seen him like that in reality. For a moment I wondered how I recognized it was him in my mind when he seemed so shattered…but it wasn't hard to figure out that I was not only seeing him… I was seeing a reflection of how _I'd_ been when he'd left me… and I couldn't stand it.

I knew _him_ better than I knew Seth, and I knew… _he loved her_. It was hard even to think it but I knew it. I knew this must've been crushing him past the point where his heart and his state of mind were recognizable and I knew because I'd lived what it was like to lose someone you loved. During all that year, I'd lived enough heartache to know I never wanted _him_ to feel it… to feel what I'd felt when I realized there wasn't place for me in his life anymore.

My love for him, that living creature of 'unconditional love' made a decision right then and there.

As much as I knew this was going to suck so bad, the fact that I wanted to protect him from ever being unhappy, from ever feeling the kind of pain I'd experienced was far stronger than my excuse of will power or even my survival instinct. After all this time he was still far more important to me than anything else and I didn't ever want him to be lost. I'd survived all that time away from _my home_ knowing that my misery was worth it if he was happy, but now that I knew he wasn't, I needed him to find his path again. I _needed_ him to find his home.

I was going back to Newport, no questions asked… because as much as my ex boyfriend/ex best friend had left me for another girl a year ago, I wanted to be the one to bring him home…

Even if his home had stopped being with me.


	2. Ties That Bind

**Author's Note:** _So as you can see, I'm updating this again. Just remember I'm doing it because it's already written. Also, remember that it was supposed to be a one-shot that I cut in several parts, so the parts are all following each other and switch back and forth between Taylor's thoughts and what's happening. Most of the parts are all very short, because I wanted to cut them when the Song's inspiration was replaced by another song, so hopefully you can still follow the line of what's happening. Hopefully I'll be updating this more than once this weekend... one of the perks of having it already sitting in my computer. _

_Please, if you read, review! I put a lot of thought into this particular story, so I need some feedback, good or bad, just let me know you're reading and that you're interesting in this. _

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_"Above the faded line... way beyond the ties that bind"_

_--Alterbridge_

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**Dedication: **_To all of you who have tried to run away, just to feel deep in your hearts, not that you're returning... but that you were never really gone._

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Two**

"**Ties That Bind"**

I was in an airplane, looking at the clouds from the very small window, my knees hugged to my chest and my chin resting in between them. Funny thing about that was that I was trying to retrace my steps and I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten here. I mean, I knew how I'd gotten on the plane, I wasn't that out of it… but it was weird nonetheless.

What led after I hung up the phone was just autopilot. I grabbed a suitcase, filled it with random clothes, made a phone call to my mom and let her know I was coming back for a few days. She didn't ask much, she just asked if I was okay and after I repeatedly told my overprotective/slightly overbearing mother that I just "wanted to visit", she let it be.

My parents got divorced when my mom found my dad cheating on her with his secretary. Very cliché and generic, I know, but that changed her. It changed her so much that it drove her from San Diego where we lived, to Newport when I was six.

By nature, my mom wasn't a very nurturing person. She's one of those mothers that don't have an instinct for kids, and therefore raise their children as adults since age four, but after we moved and after the divorce, she became… colder. She never treated me wrong, she never tortured me or anything… she just never treated me at all.

And I guess that's why I became friends with the most different pair of twins in history. It was jealousy at first… their mother was all I wanted mine to be, but slowly, as time went by, I realized I loved that family because they learned to love me; not to mention that the water balloon fights with Seth and _him_ in their backyard were pretty awesome.

But with time, two failed marriages and one that actually stuck, she stopped being the ice queen and became more aware of me and my stepsister (yeah I have one but she's not too bad), turning slightly neurotic and overprotective, I guess trying to compensate for the six years she left me unattended.

But her neurosis and overprotective-ness towards my stepsister and me became far more… intense a year ago. _Everything_ turned really intense a year ago, but at least her neurosis didn't turn intense for no reason. She witnessed how everything with _him_ left me and I practically begged her on my knees to get away from Newport. I never told her why although she probably figured out on her own that it was a boy issue.

And I've been in France ever since, which makes it that more… difficult to know how I got here.

I'd vowed to myself I wouldn't go back unless my love was done and over with. This meant never really, because I didn't have any intention of forgetting my three year relationship with the one ray of sunshine in my life, and I guess my mom somehow knew that and she was worried about the motives of my return.

I was worried too… who knew how I'd end up after this? It was just really hard acknowledging that the reason that made me leave was the same that was bringing me back.

* * *

The plane landed safely on the airport and I did my best to show a smile. That's how I deal with stuff that hurt or that doesn't come easily to me: "just smile and everything will be fine" I told myself since I was little and it always worked. Newport was the land of the plastic smiles (and some other body parts) so it was easy to get by with everything you wanted if you showed just the right smile: the conniving bitch smile, the cute smile, the angelical smile, the over polite smile, the sultry smile, the condescending smile…

And whenever that didn't work, I basically cracked jokes or got all nervous when doing something I wasn't comfortable with. I never got over the top as if I had diarrhea of the mouth like Seth does, but I do get slightly neurotic and rambly. Sometimes I think I would be a serious nutcase if I hadn't had friends while growing up.

Growing up… Memories…

It was weird how everything felt the second I tried to look objectively at my past. Since the second my feet touched Californian soil the pain was there, yes, but it was as if my heart had created a defense mechanism in which remembering was not one of the seven deadly sins but one of the resources I was gonna need to help _him_. And heaven was witness that I would do _anything_ for him, even if when I was back in France and he was back to being his normal self, the wounds I'd worked so hard to cicatrize would tear themselves open, breaking me apart and probably even killing me just because I'd remembered _him_ for an extended period of time.

The more I thought about it, the less sense it made for me to be here… this would probably destroy me. The more steps I took to meet Seth who was waiting for me, the clearer it got to see between the lines that even if this would leave no semblance of who I was or who I'd been… I had to do this for him… because I loved him.

So I braced myself and put on a smile as I remembered… Bittersweet memories in a bittersweet world.

* * *

Seth was the first one to talk to me. I was an outsider and for the looks of it, he was one too. Even at that young age, newpsies will always be newpsies and everyone was whispering about me in the small halls of the school… I was the new fatherless girl with big glasses and no name… no one even looked at me with the idea of befriending me… Except Seth.

He didn't even wait for me to sit next to him when he was already checking out my Wonder woman lunch box and telling me how obvious it was for me to like her since I was a girl… and that was the beginning of a beautiful dorky friendship.

But with _him_ it was… different. He was in no way a talking individual and he often wore a menacing face around the playground. He never played with other kids and he only opened his mouth if you were Seth or if someone asked something directly at him. But his eyes were blue… sky blue to be exact and coincidentally I was in my changing-favorite-color's phase and I happened to love sky blue. Little did I know that that would stay my favorite color in the universe for as long as I kept on breathing.

When Seth and I were going to the parking lot to meet our rides to go back home, _he_ only gave me a quick glance, a dark glance that I didn't understand because both boys were so different, one from the other, that I hadn't even made the connection that they were related… let alone that they were twins. The reason of his penetrating stare was that he was being protective over his 'little' (as much as two minutes can make you bigger) brother and I was an unfamiliar face.

As I walked to meet Seth, I kept trying to remember when was the exact moment when _he'd_ won me over… and I got to the conclusion that it was on that first day, the first moment we locked eyes. I remembered feeling something at the pit of my stomach, something that wasn't like what I'd felt the first time I watched a scary movie, or like what I'd felt when my mom wouldn't even look at me… it was some sort of, safeness and caution that pulled me in from the second we were on the same space.

And then he smiled.

I could see it so clearly, not with the blurred edges some recollections use to have when they'd been locked in our finite memory for too long. I could still see that six year old brave face fade away and be replaced by a six year old smile with the matching sky blue eyes that made my cheeks blush in confusion. _He_ said hi, I said hey… Seth rambled how he was blonde like The Kirsten and he was dark haired as his dad… and he just kept on smiling at me, sometimes in embarrassment and other times because of what his brother was saying…

And it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship… it was the beginning of what true love was for me.


	3. Other Side Of The World

**Author's Note: **_Ah, Isn't it good when you have something already in your comp and you can update a chapter a day? lol. I'm updating this because I need for people to cheer me up. See, I had a fever last night that reached 39°C (you can convert it to F if you want to lol) and right now, I have one that's on 37.5... so I need to hear some feedback. Hopefully, tomorrow you'll see more of this. Read and Review!_

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_"You're close enough to see that you're on the other side of the world_

_to me"_

_--KT Tunstall_

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**Dedication: **_To everyone out there who has experienced how strangely magical and how torturing beautiful love can be. Sometimes both at the same time..._

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Three**

"**Other Side Of The World"**

I came out of the gates and started searching in between the crowd for my scrawny tall best friend who was supposed to pick me up. I took a second to look around and realized this place was exactly the same as I left it. I mean, some stuff had changed, like the color of the walls and a few souvenir stores were new but I meant in the sense of the same indistinguishable faces and unrecognizable noises I'd seen and heard the night I'd left. Nothing had changed… I still couldn't focus…

"_Over here!"_ I heard a thin voice in between the mass of people.

I redirected my view to the right and I saw a small hand waving as an even smaller person made its way from out of the crowds of people…long brown hair swishing and a few "Excuse me's" in the same tone of voice that made me realize who it was. I practically had to adjust my eyes: it was my step sister.

"_Summer?"_ I asked in confusion and happiness mixed all the same. I forgot why I was here.

Summer and I are practically just as different as sisters as _he_ and Seth are. She has more fashion style than I do, I read far more than her unless it's something that really catches her attention, we don't like the same music at all, she always stands her ground while I don't and she manages stuff she doesn't like quite differently too. She didn't like _me_ and she handled me with a few "rage blackouts" when we were little.

My mom got married again when I was twelve and it was slightly traumatic because she chose to marry Neil Roberts, father of the most beautiful and popular girl in town, who absolutely hated my guts because she thought I was stealing her dad.

She made sure of making the first six months of our parent's union a complete hell for me, putting gum in my hair and making me chop it off and have a boy hairdo for like three months, making up nicknames of all sorts and finally, trying to steal my best friend Seth from me. Of course, it backfired on her face because she ended up liking and loving the guy but still…

With time she realized my mom was actually a pretty cool mom when she wasn't being distant and she realized we could share Neil… so now we laugh about all the things she put me through and how she used to put salt in my coffee when we were pre-teenagers.

Still, I loved her and I rarely got to see her all the time I'd been away.

"_Taylor!"_ she rushed and hugged me and it almost knocked me breathless.

"_What the hell are you doing here?"_ I let out in a whisper because I was still waiting for her to release me.

"_Um rude much?"_ she pulled away and slapped me on the arm and I winced. If only she knew how much those petite knuckles hurt. _"Aren't you happy to see me?"_

"_Of course I am!"_ I smiled. I'd forgotten how much I missed my home. How much I'd missed my sister… how much I missed everyone.

She seemed to read my body language because I started looking for more faces behind her and she just told me: _"The only one waiting in the car's Seth… your flight was a little late and he was whining like a baby so I exiled him"_

"_Good"_ I breathed out and it was hard to know if I was happy or sad about no one else being there. But soon I decided it would be easier… it would give me a chance to kid myself and think leaving for France again would give me a chance of a clean break.

"_Plus, it gave me at least five minutes with you without his annoying presence… you two together in best friends mode are just… ugh"_ she waved a hand a made a face of disgust that I knew was just a joke. She loves Seth to tidbits.

"_Like you weren't the one sending me emails telling me how much you- and I quote- 'love his sorry ass'"_

"_Love is indeed a strange thing huh?"_

She didn't exactly realize the second the words came out of her mouth how much that comment punched my stomach. It reminded me for the first time since I'd landed how… painful having the memories of _him_ could be when I wasn't being objective. Love was strange enough to make me be here… to make me travel around the world to console the person who'd broken my existence because his was torn as well. It became hard to swallow and after two seconds of not breathing, she realized what she'd said, mumbling a vague _"oh"_ and doing her best to change the subject… I appreciated the effort but once the pain had started it was hard to make it stop.

"_So, Veronica calls and goes all like 'Summer, sweetie, you're not going to believe this. Taylor's coming home' and the first thing that comes out of my mouth was 'shut up Veronica', which she didn't like by the way. She told me to drag my ass out of LA and come see it for myself, and let's face it, I needed to see if the prodigal daughter was indeed making a comeback and here you are! I so lost a bet with dad and Seth on that one … so you owe me 20 bucks"_

Yep. She was indeed Seth's girlfriend… he was already letting her in on the art of cramming words in just one breath.

"_I come back and I owe you money?"_ I did my best to show a cute smile but all that came was a nostalgic one.

"_Pretty much. But you can give it to me when this whole… thing is done and over with…"_ she let the sentence hang and the edges of the hole inside my chest began to creep from under the surface more intensely than two seconds ago. I instinctively wrapped my arms around my midriff as if doing that would help me keep my breathing even and steady while the bottomless hole proceeded to eat me alive. Because I knew the hole wouldn't fade now and I might as well try to deal with it. That's why I'd flown to the other side of the world right? To make this hole bigger and blacker just so his would stop growing.

"_How is… he?"_ I had to close my eyes and sigh for me to say _he_. I couldn't even imagine what hearing or _saying_ his name might do to me.

Just like Seth on the phone call she hesitated on answering me. This was proving to be harder than I thought possible.

"_He's… not good honey. I wouldn't have allowed Seth to call you if we could've handled it"_ Her tone was sympathetic… offering some sort of comfort that fell into the hole inside my being.

"_I appreciate it but I'm here now, so please don't sugarcoat it Sum, I need to know"_ I did my best to make my voice to sound even, but the truth was that I was so afraid of her not sugarcoating things for me… I wasn't sure if I wanted to know how broken he was because the girl he loved had died. I wasn't sure if I could take him being brokenhearted because a girl who was not me had left him, when he hadn't even shed a tear or had cared when I'd left for France.

"_Well… we know where he is… we've tried talking to him but he seems so… so much like you are right now. Only you're fighting against the heartache and he's just consumed by it. No one can get through to him"_

My eyes darted to Summer's and I stopped breathing for a second. She'd never been so blunt and direct about my pain during this whole year and the fact that she was addressing it so carelessly comparing me to him, showed that this was something to take seriously, and as much as I was avoiding it… I needed to deal with it.

If he was as broken as she'd just said, I had to go back and 'try' to see my memories objectively and go back to how it all had began and how it all had ended… I had to unleash all the flashes I'd worked so hard to block during this past year… I needed to remember all the gory details of our story… the one's I'd been postponing on the flight and while I walked to meet Summer…

I needed to remember the moment when he'd broken up with me without a second thought.


	4. Your Guardian Angel

**Author's Note: **_So I guess those of you who read last chapter were waiting for the break up. Well, when I was writing this, I realized I couldn't have the break up if I hadn't established how they got together first right? So this chapter is all a flashback to happy Townwoody land. Also, the song to which this part was written was VERY significant... so please, if you haven't heard it, go download it please, The lyrics apply so well to this whole story!! It's by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Enjoy one of my fav parts of this story. _

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_"I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever..._

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven..."_

_-- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. _

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**Dedication: **_To all of you don't have another choice... and most importantly, don't want one. _

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Four**

"**Your Guardian Angel"**

_He_ was a boy of few words. With Seth, Summer after a while, _him_ and I, it was like a degradation chain when it came about words per minute. Seth was the one who rambled the most, talking incessantly when he met an awkward silence; Summer was the one who always tried to keep up with him telling him to shut up; I talked like a normal person, as much as I can be normal, and _he_ just only answered stuff when he was asked directly. It was like that the first few months and years of our friendship.

When we were in elementary school and he got used to me being his brother's friend, we would play and talk a little even if it was short conversations about school but he always smiled at me, as if letting me know that it wasn't that he didn't like me but just that he wasn't much of a chatter, which I understood and never pushed.

I guess I always knew that our connection was different and another kind of special than mine was with Seth. I knew I cared for both of them because they'd welcomed me into their lives with open arms but with _him_ it was always just… different. A difference that when I was a kid I couldn't quite pinpoint.

But that night, after the finale of Dawson's Creek when we were fifteen, my whole world snapped into focus and I was able to see everything from a different perspective. I still remember he just brushed my hand and smiled at me when we saw the final scene with Pacey and Joey and he said something about _"we always knew how it would end"_. It was the way he spoke those words… the way he made it implicit in his smile that they had a double meaning referring to us what gave me… hope.

From there on, some sort of veil was lifted from my eyes and I could see I'd always loved him… it wasn't just a crush, I knew that right away because we'd been friends forever and that sort of connection wasn't something that would pass along like some sort of fling. I realized all the differences and safeness I'd felt when I was around him that I'd never felt towards his twin and I knew… I just simply knew without another reason that I would always love him no matter what happened in the future. And to be cliché and overrated, I knew he was my soul mate… just like Jen was to Jack and Joey was to Dawson. Everything I needed to know about love and life was just there, running his thumb soothingly on the back of my hand, telling me between the lines that it would always be there… even if he chose another person… or even if I went away.

I didn't have a choice and most importantly… I didn't _want_ another choice. At that moment, as I stared into his blue eyes and he stared into my golden ones, it felt almost… surreal to be sitting next to him… it felt surreal for him to even be my friend, he was beautiful and popular and smart… while I was just awkward, rambly and neurotic, and slightly overbearing just like my mother… and even when I knew it was a long shot for him to feel what was surely changing my life, I didn't _want_ to stop feeling the electricity his single touch was producing in me. Even if he never loved me back, I didn't _want_ to be away from him.

But that's the thing though, he did love me back. He did love me back and he did change my life way more than any other person in the world would. From that moment on, it was as if we spoke telepathically because when I wanted him to hold my hand, when I wanted him to stare at me, to notice me… I didn't have to say a word and he did just exactly what I wanted… That feeling and that passion and euphoria his touch and smile caused in me was almost audible inside my ribcage when my heart started pounding recklessly, when my cheeks would flush furiously and he would smile at me almost smugly… knowing for sure I wanted nothing but to stay forever by his side.

We would speak more often, that charge of electricity zapping between us in the air… and he would smile. It took me like two months to finally realize that the exact effect he had on me was the one I caused in him whenever we spent a night just talking laying in his bed in the pool house, or whenever he just smiled for no reason and then would stare at me deeply as if nothing else existed.

_I was his and he was mine and it didn't need other words. _It was single-handedly the most powerful thing I've felt and it will continue to be… because I have no choice.

I remembered one time when we were bantering in the kitchenette of the pool house… he was trying to make something edible while I was sitting in the counter. For some reason beyond me he started sprinkling water at me and we were laughing… just the two of us left in the world. That melodic sound that I heard during every single second of silence while I'd been in France stopped for a second in that moment, and it was then when I realized he was standing in front of me… his torso between my legs, both his arms resting on the counter at each side of my body and his face just inches away from mine.

I forgot how to breathe. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive as it seems when I was around him I couldn't breathe, and at the same time it was the most clear air my lungs have ever felt.

He just stared at me… and I got lost in his eyes, my body shaking mildly when he ran his thumb over my cheek and smiled… that teasing mixed with his romantic smile which made me feel that tingle in my spine at our dangerously close proximity.

I thought he wouldn't talk, just like he never did when charged moments like those would happen. It wasn't the first time we'd been breathing the same air but it didn't matter how close we got, he never kissed me… as if afraid it would ruin the magical bond we already had. But he did, he did talk. He broke the silence with a vague whisper saying the question I surely knew would always have a yes as an answer:

"_Do I make you nervous?"_ he kept running his thumb over my cheek slowly… reading my face with a tender expression that made me feel… safe… loved…

I wanted to tell him the cheesiest things known to mankind just to explain what being close to him without him even kissing me did to my soul… but instead I just answered simply _"Yes"_

He breathed in a sigh of relief that I didn't quite understood. Hadn't he noticed after three months of sleeping in the pool house with him just talking or after all the glances and smiles and hand squeezes that I felt so strongly about him?

"_Good…"_ he leaned a centimeter closer to me and for a second my heart stopped altogether.

"_How…?"_ I asked bewildered.

"_Because you do the same thing to me too…"_

The amazing smell of his skin was impossible to ignore, and at the same time, I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. He detached his hands from the counter and traced his fingertips delicately against my spine. My hands felt heavy as rocks as I tried to absentmindedly bring them to rest on his neck, letting them drown me with the feel of his skin on mine… anticipating how quickly his breath was coming against my face. He tilted his head forward and I instinctively closed my eyes, knowing that if I saw his face I might actually collapse because of how surreal this all was… the boy I'd loved was about to kiss me for the first time and I knew it would be life altering… And the second he pressed his warm lips to mine and very carefully parted them slightly as he tightened his grip on my back and pulled me closer to him, practically fusing our bodies together in the slowest of ways… I was sure I didn't ever want another choice… not then, not ever…

I was in love with _Ryan Atwood_ and that was never going to change.


	5. Shattered

**Author's Note: **_sigh Okay, this is probably the shortest chapter and it goes again to the present, so there's no break up here either. But I think this was the point where I told myself "You know what? Why don't you just write and forget about this turning into the biggest oneshot ever? Just write", so I stopped worrying. On the next chapter you'll get the break up though... we're in the middle of the story now...and the heartbreak isn't really here yet... so I guess I AM the queen of angst! lol. _

_The song that inspired this is one of the saddest songs I've ever heard lyric-wise, and it's by Trading Yesterday. Just read the verse below and you'll see what I'm talking about... _

_Read away._

* * *

_"_ _Losing what was found, a world so hollow  
Suspended in a compromise  
The silence of this sound is soon to follow  
Somehow sundown..."_

-_-Trading Yesterday_

* * *

**Dedication of the Chapter: **_To the one's who've sacrificed something in the name of love... _

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Five**

"**Shattered"**

We got into the car and when Seth saw me, he launched himself at me as much as the passenger's seatbelt was allowing him. I missed these people… I'd missed my home, my life… _him._ I missed everything Newport had to offer to me…

"_You came!"_ he squealed as Summer jumped into the driver's seat and we started moving.

"_Of course I came! You called me!"_ I tried to sound as chipper as possible, but I think I failed miserably.

"_I begged you to come back home times before…"_

I wanted to tell him I couldn't have come. That as much as I missed them I couldn't just face Newport with his presence around. Knowing that my love story hadn't gone on forever…

I sighed trying to clear my mind and decided to attack the issue once and for all.

"_So how bad is…he?"_ It was still hard to say _he_. Seeing him was going to kill me. _"And I don't want a vague answer… I want facts and an address"_

They both stared at each other for a second debating what to answer me. I tried to avoid the heartache and dress myself with courage, snapped my fingers at them telling them to hurry up and get this over with. If I was ready to do this murder/suicide mission to help him, I at least wanted to make it fast…

"_Alright, alright…"_ Summer said. _"Seth tried to talk to him yesterday in some dingy bar downtown. I figured you wouldn't want to see him… doing _that_… so I told big baby here to try one last time. Of course, he told Seth to back off… but we've worked a plan"_

"_Breathe, Summer… and talk clearly… you didn't want me to see him doing what?"_ I asked and she sighed, not knowing what to answer me. I looked at Seth… he knew me… he knew I had to do this fast.

"_He's cage fighting"_

What?

"_I'm sorry… what?"_ I almost screamed and distracted Summer from driving.

"_You know, fighting? In a cage? With a big dude twice your size?"_ Leave it to Seth to make something so serious sound so… sarcastic. If it hadn't been about _him_ I would've laughed.

"_I know what cage fighting is Seth! I explained it to you… but how did it get so bad? Are you letting him do that?!__ Why are you letting him do that?! Oh My God… Seriously?! Do Kirsten and Sandy know about this?! Summer for God's sake, pull over!!"_

I was already hyperventilating when I finished that sentence, and I'd instinctively wrapped my arms around myself again to try to breathe evenly. I knew he'd be devastated _emotionally_ but just to imagine him hurt _physically_ sent fresh destroyer flickers to my neurons. Had he loved her so much? So much that he was jeopardizing everything, his future, his family, _his life_… for the lack of her presence? And as selfish as I knew it would be, if I'd died when we'd been together, would he have been left so torn that he wouldn't want to live at all?

"_Taylor… Taylor calm down"_ I heard Seth's voice and I tried to bring myself together. I felt the car stop.

"_See moron! We shouldn't have dragged my sister into this!"_ it was Summer know slapping Seth in the head.

"_I'm okay"_ I tried to defend myself. I was strong enough to do this, and even if I wasn't strong enough to bring him back to whom I loved, I was going to do it. Even if it literally killed me.

"_No, sweetie, you're not"_ It was Summer again, she put a hand on my chin to make me look at her. _"You don't have to do this…"_

"_I do… I do"_ I got strength from where there was none and I started breathing steadier. _"What have you tried to do to get through to him? And what's this plan you said you had?"_

"_Well, all of us… and I do mean all of us, have gone to 'his place'"_ Seth made a face before he kept going _"And he won't come around. We've talked to him, we've told him to come home, Mom has repressed tears… you know mom."_

This must've been killing Kirsten just as much as it was killing me.

"_And our master plan"_ Summer interjected _"Is that, I'm going to drag him out of the bar and bring him to the comic book store, where you're going to be and we'll cross our fingers and hope that once he sees you, he'll use his brain a bit"_

"_And how are you going to do that?"_ I said slowly.

"_Doing what I do best"_ she smiled a little.

"_And that is…?"_ Seth said incredulously.

"_Giving orders"_ my sister and I both said in unison.

"_Ah that!"_ Seth said.

"_Let's go then…"_ Again, I tried to sound confident even if the prospect of seeing him hurt would hurt me. I just needed to make him come home… I just needed that and then the pain could kill me if it was too much to bear.

I just needed to make him come home and stop the pain the girl he loved had left when she'd died… even if I couldn't even figure out how to stop the pain he'd left when he'd abandoned me.

* * *

**Oh, all the mistakes on this one are mine if there are any. **


	6. Unsaid, Unspoken

**Author's Note: **_So here you go, The break up. Just remember while you read that I am known to be a bundle of angst, that I warned you this story is ten chapters worth of it, and try not to hate me (Or Ryan lol) too much at the end of this. _

_This is the part that was solely based on the song "Between The Lines" by Sara Bareilles. So if you haven't heard it, go hear it... I have a few concepts in here that match the lyrics. _

_oh! And also, I shamelessly stole a concept from Stephenie Meyer's Twililght Series, from the book Eclipse to be exact... Reading them again for school (how cool is that I'm getting graded on reading them?) is bound to affect my writing, as my breathing whenever I read some of Edward's Lines... if you haven't read the books, what are you waiting for? lol._

_Now off you go..._

* * *

_"Until now, he told me her name._

_It sounded familiar in a way, I could've sworn_

_I'd heard him say it ten thousand times..._

_...If only I had been listening"_

_--Sara Bareilles_

* * *

**Dedication:** _To all of those who postpone the inevitable... to all those brokenhearted people who wander the world. _

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Six**

"**Unsaid, Unspoken…****"**

I didn't know the exact moment when I'd left his arms.

That night we kissed until our lips almost bled. Not once my skin felt what it was to not touch him anymore because he made sure that his skin was on mine for the rest of that night. And even when his hot breath wasn't in my mouth anymore, his cool lips pressed themselves in my forehead, my shoulders, and my arms… my hands… His arms carried me from the countertop to the bed where we'd slept nights before just talking, and I continued to be in his arms for what must've been weeks… or months…

I just knew I was happy and I was exactly where I wanted to be and for the looks of it, I owned all the places he wanted to set foot on as well. His hands ran greedily on my face as he mumbled in between kisses how much he cared about me, how easier it was to be his life… of course, he didn't said that in that many words… he just kept mumbling _my name_… and I read between the lines all the things he couldn't say.

There was just no way in the world he could handle me like a porcelain doll and so protective at the same time if he didn't really feel something about me… and I knew, I just knew he did feel something for me that was just undeniable. He did love me back… and I owned his heart just as much as he owned mine.

I could feel his pain when I was away; I could read in his eyes he missed me with just a vague hi. I could realize just how addicted he was to my kisses just from the way he leaned into me on the lockers of school. The first time he told me he loved me, my world spun violently, not because it was shocking, but because it'd been so obvious that it didn't really need words. We were each other's satellite… if I moved, he angled himself to fit into my position and I know I did the same with him… we had all the elements of what was meant to be during all those three years we were together.

He gave me more time being his universe than I deserved, I know that… it never really made sense for him to love me because we were so different. But it still hurt when, on our senior year, he met her…

_Marissa Cooper._

When I was in France and he would cut into my thoughts, sometimes I wondered if all had been product of my imagination, if he'd never loved me because of how easy it was to interpret his actions. After all it'd been so easy for someone else to tear my world apart and slit that precious pearl that was his love away from me.

I guess I was just so bewildered and ridiculously happy that I didn't see that he was burdening his mouth with a thousand words he wasn't saying, realizing what I'd known all along: it made absolutely no sense for him to love me.

She was popular, she was beautiful, and ironically she was new in town just like I'd been a long time ago… I didn't see him struggling between which one of us to choose, and it hurts even to think it was because, just like I didn't have a choice when it was to loving him, he might've not have a choice when it came to loving _her._

I really didn't know the moment when I left his arms.

* * *

Seth and Summer left me at the comic book store where I was alone with my thoughts… as always. While Summer was going to find a way to drag him out of the dingy bar, I was looking for a way to drag him out of this confusion state of mind he was in. I was trying to look for the way of making him react… of making him feel without him realizing how much aware of my pain I was when I was around him.

I needed to show him a different person than the one he'd seen the last time his eyes had locked with mine… the night I'd left.

I _needed_ to bring him back home… I needed to.

* * *

It didn't take me long to realize something was wrong. It did take me long, however, to find the strength to sit with him and talk about it. I was almost positive that the second I grabbed the bull by the horns I was going to lose him. To what, to who, I wasn't sure… but I could feel the life of me going far from my grasp and it didn't matter how much I tried, I knew that when the time of the truth came, it wouldn't matter… he would leave me. I knew him like the palm of my hand and I was just as certain that he would leave me, as I was that he'd loved me.

It's sad isn't it?

But I did… I did sit with him to talk about it.

We were on our _pool house_… I was waiting for him, my head between my hands and he entered… his eyes a bit lost.

"_Hey…"_ he sat beside me and kissed my cheek. Cold.

"_Hi"_ I mumbled voicelessly.

"_What's wrong…?"_ he asked and I felt the answer in his voice underneath the question itself.

"_Look…Ryan"_ his name began carving the hole then _"I'm in love with you"_ I grabbed his hands and for the first time I felt the him hesitate. _"and I'm… willing to… let all the distance that's been forging between us slide… if only you can tell me you still love me too"_

"_Taylor…"_ he closed his eyes and took his hands away from mine… and the breath caught on my throat.

I could've left then, everything else unspoken… but there was a sadistic part in me that wanted to know for sure that he didn't love me… a part that wouldn't believe it unless I heard it. That same hope I'd felt the first night I knew I loved him had become a stranger… someone who wondered how the beginning of something so beautiful could end so… wrong.

"_Do you… do you love me?"_ it was hard for me to breathe and the tears were welling up in my eyes.

"_I think I always will"_ that should've comforted me. That should've given me the same hope I'd felt that night… but it didn't. In his tone it was implicit now that he would always love me… but not the way I did anymore… and I couldn't understand why.

"_But you have to move onto… better things"_ It wasn't a question… it was a statement. I just knew… I knew I'd lost him… but the sadistic part in me wanted to know to whom or to what. I wanted to know if that something was better than what I could give him.

"_Is not like that…"_

"_Then what is it like?"_ I asked whispering while he got up from the bed.

"_I just… think it's better if we…"_ his eyes seemed as hurt as mine… and I wondered if it was because he felt my pain or because he was sorry he was hurting me.

"_Right…"_ my self-preservation instinct kicked in and I knew I couldn't hear the sentence. But I still needed to know to what I was losing him and this was something that I couldn't just read between the lines… although I already knew. _"It's because of…"_

"_Marissa"_

Until then, I'd never even heard him speak her name. But still it sounded familiar. Maybe he'd been talking about her for the past two months nonstop but I'd detached from my body just to ignore it… he might've even told me ten thousand times that she was perfect for him, but I wasn't listening…Maybe my body couldn't bear listening that I was losing him until it was too late.

In the unsaid silence and my eyes wide shut for so long, I had two choices: to stay… or to leave. And it seemed so… easy to pick the one that I could live with… he'd already grabbed his heart away from my grasp, taking mine with his and had handed it to _her… _what more could I do?

Leave. He'd already left with her in my mind… I should do the same.

So I ran away from the pool house… the future haunting me with memories of things I could never have.


	7. Love Song Requiem

**Author's Note: **_Have in mind as you read this, that this story just happened all on its own. I just went with the flow of the music, following an idea that stuck with me, and the rest just worked itself out. So if this chapter confuses you... let me tell you, it also confused me... A lot! But the explanation to all of it will come out soon enough. This is the longest of all the parts and also the one I'm most proud of... so enjoy it._

_Also going unbeta'd... I'm kind of trusting my mistakes with this one lol. _

_Another one of the saddest songs known to men: Love song requiem by Trading Yesterday. _

_Scroll Away. _

* * *

_"My heart, my life will never be the same  
This love will take my everything  
One breath, one touch will be the end of me"_

_--Trading Yesterday_

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Seven**

"**Love Song Requiem"**

I didn't even bother to check up on him when I left. I couldn't do it. My life was never going to be the same and I felt I was cut right open. I was bleeding so much because he'd broken me. In countless of ways I tried… boy, did I try to hate him to see if it was easier to manage the pain… but it wasn't. I tried to hate her… her ways, her moves, the way she made walking seem like dancing and how her tall figure had apparently drawn him in… but again, I couldn't hate her.

The void in my chest where my heart had been kept telling me that if he loved her, if he wanted to be with her, she had to be a nice person, she had to be someone worthy of his affection, someone who could make him happy as I'd failed to do. And it was then when I realized I could live if I knew he was okay… if I knew he was happy with or without me, I could tell myself my heartache was worth it if he'd found his one true love.

Only my being was begging to be that one true love.

But now she'd died… and despite of him leaving me a year ago for that beautiful girl… he needed his best friend… he needed me.

And in order to survive this, I _needed_ to make him come back home.

* * *

The second I felt the door of the comic book store open, I rose from the chair in which I was and expected for the air to be knocked right out of me. This was the first time I was going to see him since that night when we'd broken up… and if that wasn't hard enough, knowing that I was going to see him with bruises because he'd started risking his life in order to grieve, made no room for the oxygen in me. I couldn't stand him being in so much pain… I just couldn't.

"_Summer I told you I'm not going to…"_ and I saw him.

His eyes locked with mine once more and it felt… like routine. Like my whole life had been darkness and my eyes couldn't adjust to the light of his blue dark orbs. His expression read nothing but surprise, and underneath it, nothing at all.

My hands started shaking and my absent heart kept being motionless even though it wanted desperately to beat. I couldn't allow it to beat. The second I started feeling there wasn't a void, it would make it that much harder for me cope in France all the aftermath.

It was then when I saw the bruises and they brought me back to reality.

He had a cut just above his right eye, purple circles underneath his eyes for the lack of sleep and a big bruise to match them up. His lower lip had a cut that was just scaring… his knuckles had bandages on them and there was blood on his shirt. I felt myself die. I wanted to protect him; I wanted to shield him from the kind of pain that would inspire him to risk his being so much. If he died, I died too… it was automatic, even if I felt dead for the last year anyway.

"_God… what've you been doing?"_ I was desperate. The words came out of me in shallow cut breaths without even thinking them and I rushed a few steps to him, Summer closing the door and leaving us trapped with each other's presence.

He didn't step back.

"_Taylor…"_ I'd been wrong, seeing him wasn't what was going to render me lifeless… hearing my name from his lips was going to do the trick.

I already felt a hyperventilation attack building up when I closed my eyes shut as hard as I could and looked to the floor.

This wasn't going to kill me; it was going to torture me first.

I tried to keep myself together regardless of his breathing being the only sound my ears could listen to.

"_What happened to you?"_ I raised my head to look at him again, and for a second I saw that six year old boy, that six year old smile…

"_It's good to see you too…"_

His attempt of sarcasm managed to make a crooked smile come right out of me as I fought the urge to touch the cut on his lower lips… and as silly as it sounded I wanted to kiss his pain away.

"_You know what I mean… you can't do this to yourself!"_ I wasn't ready for how broken my voice came out. I thought I had a little bit more strength than that.

I closed my eyes once more because I was trying to fight back tears. I couldn't stand it… I couldn't see him in pain, I couldn't allow the thought of him as broken as I was to come into my brain. It was hard to look at him knowing how much I loved him and seeing how he was because he couldn't love _me._ I tried to breathe, I counted to a hundred in just a second and I raised my face again… and now there was anger in his eyes… Anger I was sure Summer, Seth and even his parents had seen, but he was holding it back because it was _me._

"_What did you came back to do, Taylor?"_ he turned his back to me and stepped away, finally turning his body to me when there was a fairly good distance between us. _"You got lost? 'Cause I can get you a ticket back to France"_

He wasn't screaming… but he was snarling at me as low as possible, definitely holding back. I'd seen him mad times before, and he wasn't unleashing his full rage on me… I was grateful because I wasn't sure if I could take him yelling at me, even if that last sentence and how he'd implied that he didn't want me there hurt enough.

"_Shouldn't I be asking you that question? You don't exactly look like you've been living in the pool house you know?"_ I tried to sound tough. I needed him to either explode his rage so he would finally have space in that brain to think, or piss him off so much that I would have no other choice but to leave just like last year.

"_Do you always have to answer a question with another one?"_ his voice was low and unsettled still.

"_Did you forget who I am?"_ I knew the answer to that one was a yes.

"_Answer me"_ it was menacing, and it came out with a growl.

"_What do you wanna know?"_ I knew what he wanted to know, I knew that from the only two questions he'd asked, one of them he really didn't know the answer, at least not explicitly.

"_You know what I wanna know"_ he breathed out and it came out as tired as the purple circles revealed he hadn't slept in days.

I sighed… it was going to hurt to say it, to admit it. _"Of course I got lost…"_

I could see in his eyes that he didn't expect my answer, which was silly… did he honestly think that I hadn't been lost enough to come back here, to endure such kind of pain after knowing how his presence made my life whole? I was not only lost, there wasn't any hope for me to be found again.

At the same time, he voiced the answer to the other question he'd asked me. And I almost felt the irony when I realized I knew the answer… that I still knew him.

"_I'm not going back home"_

"_Okay"_

"_What?"_ he took a step closer to look at my face.

"_I said okay"_ I repeated trying to make my voice even. My stomach was in knots… those kinds of sailing knots that don't give in easily.

He wasn't expecting that answer either and I was shocked myself at how believable my answer came out. Of course I was trying to make him go back home… it was the sole purpose of this torture.

"_Then I can leave…"_ and he reached for the door.

"_I am _not _going to beg you… Ryan"_ the second I said his name I felt thousands of needles, sharp ones, digging into my tongue injecting sweet mortal venom. My whole body shivered but he didn't notice because his back was facing me.

"_And you think I'm doing this because I want people to beg me?"_ his tone was rage filled but he turned around… confusion coloring his face.

"_Your words, not mine…"_ It hurt to know that I still knew what made him tick.

"_You are unbelievable… you know nothing about…"_ I cut him off… I couldn't stand to hear the ending of that sentence and I didn't care if he was mad or grieving… I wasn't going to let him insult the only thing about him that was still mine: my knowledge of him.

"_How else do you explain this?!"_ My voice came out ragged, the edges of my pain showing. _"Seth has asked you to come home, Summer has, your dad… your mom? I very much rather believing that you want people to beg you than thinking you're a monster who can watch his mother's pain and not do something about it!"_

"_How dare you…"_ I cut him off again…

"_Because I know you! And not even you can deny that!"_ I made my voice sound stern and firm, bringing out strength where there was none. My wounds were bleeding again now…

He looked at me and I guess he saw the pieces of what he'd left behind. There was just no way in the world that I was a complete individual standing there, trying to 'ease' his pain when I couldn't even handle mine. This was going to be a failed cause… I wasn't going to do anything else than to kill myself in the process of breathing in and out in his presence.

"_You want people to beg you… Ryan…"_ again, it was hard for his name to roll out of my tongue without my whole body trembling _"because you don't want to fight back that's why you're cage fighting, to let people beat you. And everyone telling you they want you to come home is the only thing that keeps you hanging here…"_ I breathed in again _"But if you loved her… and she loved you… she wouldn't want you to be like this… she would want you to fight back, not get your ass beaten on a daily basis."_

I bowed my head, fighting back tears of utter suffering, it was hard to say that she loved him; it was hard to acknowledge that he loved her… The sole idea of them together, of his happiness being ripped away the second she stopped breathing made me wish I had died instead of her just so his life could've gone untouched… so he could remain unscathed.

Silence, words left unsaid drowned that small comic book store as I kept trying to swallow the knot on my throat.

"_You talk like you know what you're talking about"_ his voice broke the silence and it made me look at him dead in the eyes. That sky blue mesmerizing me like nothing in the world had and even had a chance to.

"_I know what it's like to want something to hold on to"_ I tilted my head to the side and shrugged, trying for my words to sound as casual as possible.

During all the time I'd been away, I desperately wanted a railing to keep me going. I couldn't think of anyone I'd hold dear to my heart – Seth, Summer, mom, Neil, Kirsten, Sandy - because they reminded of Newport and made me think of him and thinking about him was off limits if I wanted to survive and have a semblance of a life.

How could you go on if the love of your life had deliberately chosen someone else over you? In my twisted mind he had it easy, and I was aware that was all kinds of morbid but I did know he had it easier. She'd died _loving him_, never once rejecting him… whereas I'd just died inside knowing the one thing that made my life what it was… that had changed my perspectives and views of life at a very young age will never be mine anymore, and I still had no choice but to walk as a zombie on the world of the living.

"_I didn't die…"_ his voice brought me back from my own personal hell, reading my thoughts like he used to.

I attempted a smile… not being able to keep standing here, the pain being too much for my fragile existence. If he only knew… he was right, he hadn't died… it was worst.

"_No… my dreams did"_ and I made my way to the door.

I was too weak… too weak to face him, to weak to watch his pain and bring him back home. I'd failed not only at making him happy by my side, but at returning the focus he needed on this time of need. Now, he would not only feel the heartache that he already felt, but he would feel the burden of having met me, of having me in his life at one point… the regret and weight of having loved me. I knew him, I knew he'd never meant to hurt me, I knew he'd never meant to kill my dreams and part of me with them… but he had… and it hurt so much that the one ray of sunshine in your life could hurt you so bad… that his pain would hurt you and leave you even more crumbled and broken than when you'd first started.

I couldn't face him… I had to leave, return to France and wait for the end of my life to catch up with me.

But he grabbed my wrist, and the touch of his skin on mine stopped me dead on my tracks. His fingers were rough and possessive around my left wrist, holding it in place before I could reach for the door knob. His hand all covered in blood-moistened gauzes still sent liquid fire down my pores and unto my bloodstream. My eyes kept watching his hand on mine and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It'd been so long since I'd touched him, since he'd held me as securely as he was now and I felt my knees give in, my unwilling heart pound in a way it never had before, not even the first time he'd kissed me.

"_Don't…"_

He breathed into my ear and I had to suck an intake of breath. It wasn't fair. This, what I was sure was about to happen wasn't fair… not at all… but how come I couldn't leave?

I raised my head to watch him, knowing what I would see. I would see his heart splattered in the pool of his eyes, a soft expression that only served to manipulate me and surrender me to the power of his words. I didn't have another choice, and worst, I didn't _want_ one. I knew I was a slave of whatever he wanted to do with me. If he wanted to kiss me, touch me, sleep with me, or simply stare at me until I couldn't breathe, I had no will power to stop it. And if having me as a rebound connection was going to help him go back home… I could deal with suffering.

He looked at me with tender eyes, as if trying to explain something to me on his stare, something I really didn't want to know, and wasn't at all _interested_ in knowing. I was struggling enough as it was to focus on how my heart pumped rapidly; trying to remember the moment where it'd started to beat. Hadn't my conscience and my pain agreed that it was best if I didn't hope, if I didn't let it beat? Where the distance between us hadn't betrayed my life, _hoping_ would do the job.

His other arm went to my shoulder, where he angled me again as his satellite and I was in front of him. I held his gaze, my life depending on it, as he leaned in to kiss me and my world started spinning. I didn't know how it happened but before he could… when our lips were just millimeters apart I just mumbled the same word he'd said before: _"Don't…"_

I was sure that, if he kissed me, it would be the end of me… but I still felt I was under a spell that I couldn't escape, and even though he belonged on a fairytale where I was no longer the princess, where _his _princess hadn't been woken up from the eternal sleep, I had no choice but to surrender my will to his. Because maybe if I kidded myself enough to think he still loved me that he was doing this for some other reason that wasn't that he was drunk with anger, grief and sadness… I could try for my heart and life to be the same as they once were.

Tears ran freely from my eyes as I felt the burning heat of his skin on mine, consuming me so much that I wanted nothing than to love him, to hold him to me and be back in his arms like the days of old. But I couldn't… it would just hurt too much to make me jump off the cliff if he wasn't going to be there to catch me.

My words didn't seem to be acting to my behavior because I couldn't move. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry and mourn over the pieces that had broken and the ones that would never be found… but I kept standing there… I kept on depending on his eyes… and I wanted to kiss his pain away.

So against my better judgment… against all will and reason…

I did.

His lips were on mine, tugging viciously and carefully all at the same time. I couldn't stop myself or him, even if right at the middle of it I wanted to run away. I couldn't stop, not because he was stronger than me and was pressing his body into mine with a precision and accuracy that should've been illegal because of the persuasion, but because my will, all trace of it, all reason, was replaced by a sense of dull clarity where as much as this was hard and painful, it was all I wanted and needed in my life.

I was a masochist that knew he couldn't offer me anything else other than _this_. And even when I wanted more of him… all of him… I would take whatever crumbs he'd give me. I was proud of myself… I couldn't have invented a more wonderful way of killing myself and ripping myself apart.

So he kissed me back, my hands running desperately from his stomach up to his chest where I felt his heart beating a jagged, disjointed melody that made perfect music with my breathing turning into panting. I could feel every line of his anatomy pressed up against mine, his pores exuding something more than just desire, something more than just… lust and a way to cope.

That must've been one of the wonderful things about having accepted that I would kid myself if I wanted to rip myself further; because it felt so magnificently _real_... not like my memories of him and I during all those three years when we were left alone and our hormones would get the better of us, but it felt as though he wanted _me_.

His broad arms enveloped me while his hands touched the small of my back and began pushing inside my shirt with the softest of pressure. I kept on hanging from his neck, my hands caressing his face and shoulders as I tried to reason that there was no excuse, no pain big enough to make me pass out on this.

I pulled our lips apart for a much needed breath, but even then he wouldn't stop kissing me. His lips kept tracing lines along my jaw, my neck, and I tried to control my shaking hands as I struggled to take him out of his shirt. He fumbled with the buttons of my blouse until I forced him to pull apart so he would raise his arms so I could see his chest, but I guess I wasn't ready, not as much for what I was going to see.

Nasty cuts and bruises were all over his upper body and it slowed me down for a second. He saw my hesitation as he tried to breathe in calmly, but the second my bewildered and hurt expression settled in, his lips were on mine once more, sending white hot electricity and fire down my body... the last ounce of my reasoning and preservation of details going down the window the second his hands touched my breasts and kept on burning me through my clothes until the point were we were naked… giving into either love or lust… or somewhere between that thin line…

It was hard to tell.


	8. Come Home

**Author's Note: **_Not much to say about this one... it will explain to you last chapter, at least a little bit. And it was written to two songs as you can see below. It was written to One Republic's "Come Home" (I am a HUGE OneRepublic Fan) and to Kelly Clarkson's "Addicted". I'm going unbeta'd again because I wanted to post this tonight, and my beta'er (Lesley Easton you know how much I love ya dontcha? lol) is giving me a chance to do this and trust my gut. So if there are too many mistakes blame it on me... or on FOX... they did cancel the show without showing us the Townwood porn! lol. _

_Read Away!_

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_"_ _And right now there's a war between the vanities  
But all I see is you and me  
The fight for you is all I've ever known  
So come home"_

--OneRepublic.

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"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Eight**

"**Come Home"**

_(Addicted)_

It was so difficult to know how I'd gotten here.

I tried to remember the last moment when I'd used my brain in its entirety and I was coming out empty handed. Maybe the last time I'd used my brain was probably about a month ago when I'd seen a humming bird just outside the window of my classroom and had wished to be one so I could fade away. But now my classroom was an ocean away, and even if I still felt the desire of fading into nothing and the pain I'd experienced was more vivid than it had ever been before, I was at ease… numb.

I was _back _in his arms.

We were lying on the floor of a place I could hardly remember it was located in Newport, my head on his chest as he breathed in softly… at peace, not at all as altered as he'd been when he'd first seen me. He had his arm draped around me as he ran his fingers soothingly on my hair and down my back, something he was not at all obligated to do since I _knew_ he didn't have to act all couply with me… He didn't love me, and the fact that we'd had sex was just his way of dealing with everything; but then why was it so hard to feel his confusion and rage over having sex with me?

I was convinced this was all product of my imagination: the way he'd touched me like he'd longed for me and had _missed_ me, the way he breathed against my ear as if he hadn't breathed for that whole year either, the way he kissed every part of me as if memorizing my body kiss after kiss, the way his eyes never strayed from mine as we went over the edge together… those were all things I was sure were product of my deluded mind because there was just no way he'd meant to do them and make me feel as though he _loved_ me. Because I knew he'd loved me as his soul mate once, but not now…

Hence why I felt the pain even bigger.

Was he trying to torture me? Was that it? Did he think that by making me feel as though he loved me he would break my heart and would make me feel a pain so strong like the one he felt and I would take some of his burdening heartache away from him? Was he really trying to make me believe the illusions were real by breathing in the scent of my hair and kissing the top of my head as he held me even closer to him? Was he trying to make this a living hell for me and see the limits of what _I'd_ do to save him, and get him back home?

If one of those questions that ran in my head had a positive answer, it would be hell for me… but strangely enough I didn't care…

If it was hell, I'd take it.

It was that what scared me the most, realizing that I didn't care if I died or lived just as long as I got to have him, that I was addicted to him… that whenever his presence invaded my thoughts I couldn't see anything else other than him and therefore, ended up doing stuff I wouldn't have done otherwise. I had no identity other than "Ryan Atwood's slave" and I would do anything to just hold on to the idea that we were still the same…

Was that what I'd come here to do, then? Had I come here just to get a fix of the sweetest of drugs? Was I so horrible that I'd come here with the _excuse_ of wanting to save him just to chase for the ghost of what we'd had? He wasn't the one torturing me, I was.

I had _no idea_ how I'd gotten here!!

I'd come here with a purpose, to make sure he was safe, and all I'd done was satisfy my own crushed idea that he loved me when I knew for a fact that wasn't true. I had to get out of here.

In one fluid motion, I sat up on the floor and started searching for my clothes as I did my best to not hyperventilate, cursing myself for the lack of control I had over my trembling limbs. I managed to half dress myself with the lack of coordination I had over my motor system when I noticed he was sitting in the floor as well and already had his pants on, with an expression that was sad and confused but for someone else would've seemed just blank.

"_Whoa Taylor… what is it?"_

I was the one confused now; didn't he realize I believed it all, that I was feeling he loved me?

"_I didn't sign up for this… This"_ I gestured between us as I frantically searched for my blouse _"wasn't at all what I came here for"_

"_I know…"_ He tried to reach out for me but I intentionally avoided touching him anymore… I couldn't afford another overdose of his presence near me.

"_No! You don't!"_ I snapped, I still couldn't control my shaking _"I can't do this! I just can't do this… I need to go back to France and you need to go back home! That's what I came here for! I can't just do this, Ryan"_ Everything I said, I said it with my jaw still trembling and my words stumbling into each other… except his name, which sent clear shocks to my brain and I had to close my eyes as I felt someone tugged inside me and cut me in half.

It was the first time he saw clearly what saying his name did to me, as I practically crouched from the pain and he rushed towards me as if he was _worried_ about me. It was for little things like that, that I had to remind myself over and over: _"he doesn't love you Taylor, he doesn't love you. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!"_

"_Taylor, Taylor…"_ his hands were careful as he steadied me with his strong arms still shining slightly from the sweat. I felt dizzy _"Its okay, its okay just… relax"_

"_It's not okay!"_ I wasn't sure from where the strength to yell was coming from, when I couldn't even breathe properly. _"I can't stand being near you because it kills me repeatedly when you're gone! And it's going to murder me when you realize again that you don't love me! That you loved her!"_

And I crumbled into dust.

Every repressed feeling that I'd tried to hide so he wouldn't see it came out to the light. I started shuddering and struggling for the air to come into my lungs as I felt myself drown in my own tears because it was just too much. I'd done everything wrong… and he should be mad at me for coming back here and be all self-righteous before when I was making a huge mistake as it was. A mistake that would keep on changing my life because I couldn't stop loving him!

…And he started comforting me.

And as much I struggled seconds before to get out of my version of hell, or heaven depending on how I was viewing it, I was, again, _back_ in his arms.

…because I had no choice.

I couldn't escape him, he was a demon I couldn't face out because of how tremendously beautiful he was. Even as broken as he was he was consoling me, and damn it, it still felt like his life was whole and that I was _making it_ whole. I was delusional.

I kept on crying desperately, the hole inside me being smaller with every passing second, and just like with my heart, I wondered when I'd allowed it to be smaller. When have I started hoping again? Was there a part of me that was stupid enough to believe this was real? One touch was going to finish me off. It was going to be twice as hard to pretend I was okay when I left again.

"_Just breathe okay? Please"_ He _was pleading with me_. His voice was full of concern and… anxiousness; and as I was slave of his will, I did my best to do what he wanted.

After a few seconds I began breathing somewhat better, and I focused on his arms encircling me, my face buried in his chest as I heard the loud thudding of his big, amazing heart… beating erratically like it never had before, somehow resembling mine. This was tangible, and as much as I knew my senses could trick me into believing what I wanted to believe, hearing his heart, was… different. Was he feeling something different?

I looked up to his face wanting to see his expression, if I was hallucinating or if this was past the point where it _was_ real. Boy if it turned out that it wasn't, it was going to suck!

He looked at me and put his index finger under my chin to hold my gaze, and even if he didn't smile I could feel him try to.

"_You better now?"_ he asked simply.

"_What are you trying to do?"_ I asked back… he just closed his eyes and his features softened even more.

"_Answer me…"_ he began caressing my jaw with his finger.

"_I stopped crying"_ I offered and he sighed.

"_Good"_ he said, traditionally of his monosyllabic ways. I had to fight back a smile. It felt as though nothing had happened, as if we hadn't met under the circumstances we had… what was he trying to do?

"_Can you answer me now… please?"_ I asked keeping my voice low and steady.

"_I don't talk much"_ he whispered and stopped tracing lines around my face but didn't let go off me.

At first, his answer confused me. But then it made sense. I remembered in between all the moments before he kissed me and before we ended up doing what we'd just done, I saw him trying to explain something to me on his eyes… like there was something he wanted to tell me but couldn't do it, and thought his actions would explain it better… But my senses could've been tricking me so I needed the words, if he wanted to explain something, I needed to hear it. Maybe it was the sadistic part in me again, maybe it wasn't… but I needed to hear whatever he wanted to say, verbalized.

"_Try…"_ I offered again, my eyes never leaving his.

He sighed, looking for the words in his head. Words I wasn't sure what were going to convey, especially when he made sure of making us sit at the floor again, his skin never away from mine.

"_Just say it… doesn't matter how it comes out, whatever you have to tell me, just… say it"_ it was meant to sound reassuring for him but it showed some of my fear.

"_Did… did anyone tell you how… how she died?"_ he asked and I felt how my face went cold. Were we going to talk about her? I mean, I must've seen it coming but it still shocked me.

"_No…"_ I mumbled and I stared into my hands.

"_We were… driving…"_ I swallowed and in the silence he was able to hear it _"she… was driving… me…"_ Oh God, now I understood why he felt guilty. Not only the girl he loved had died, but she'd died taking him somewhere… _"To the airport… to go look for you"_

Um, what?

"_What?"_ my eyes went back to his and for the first time I didn't have a coherent thought in my mind. It was just blank.

"_She and I… I liked her. But after three months, she realized I missed you more than I liked her… It was just… not working"_

Was he saying what I thought he was saying? He was. I could see it in his eyes speaking volumes as they turned two or three shades darker like they did when he told me the truth. I remembered it was a phenomenon I'd noticed in him, just like the way he kinked an eyebrow when there was something he wanted me to clarify or how he would take a deep breath and rub his temples without anyone noticing when he wanted his twin to shut up or how he would smile but the smile wouldn't touch his eyes when he was upset. I knew him like the palm of my hand and I knew what he wanted to say with just that small attempt of a sentence… Or did I?

What if this was indeed all a product of how much I was tricking my senses? Or worse, what if he _was_ saying what I already read like a book on his eyes but it turned out it was because he _was_ confused and mourning _her?_ What if I allowed myself to believe that he'd always loved me when he was just being tricked by _his_ emotions after having had sex with me? What if, where I'd been once his loud clarity I was now just a product of his confusion?

What if I let him explain and he would tell me those three letter words that always melted the world away, just to know in the future that he hadn't meant them? I already knew the end of that story.

This had to stop, it had to… one more word; one more false hope would kill me.

"_Stop"_ I mumbled.

"_Taylor…"_

"_Just… don't. Don't say you were going to…"_ I said waving my hands in pain, and not even daring to finish the sentence myself. He must've been really confused after I'd told him to just say what he needed to say, but he was having a hard time saying to me as it was and I was scared enough to see that as a sign of this not being real. I couldn't take it.

"_I have to"_ was all he said. _"I need to"_

If he'd been pleading with me before and my heart stopped beating momentarily, those six words, spaced, stressed, each syllable dragged on more than necessary for my numb ears… would've broken my heart if it hadn't been already torn in pieces. I just couldn't do this… there was just no guarantee in the world that he meant this. I loved him… and I knew for a fact that I always would in between all my psychological issues and in between my neediness and neurosis… but he needed to deal with the loss of _her_. For all I knew, for all I was allowing my ears to hear, _she'd died_ and, as consequence, he'd held himself hostage in the prison of his mind, seeking to end his existence on dingy bars and cages much like I'd done the same with books and high prestige colleges.

He needed to deal with losing her first and then he could deal with whatever else. And as much as I wanted to be with him, I couldn't stay here and risk that once he would figure it all out, I would be once out of the equation…

"_No… what you need is to go home"_ was my cold comeback to the attempt of him explaining everything. And his expression would've stolen my soul if I hadn't been dead for a year already.

He looked at me and nodded, I couldn't figure out if in disappointment, or if knowing what I couldn't say. I hoped it was the latter…

…and I remembered I couldn't hope.

I gathered all my stuff together not once meeting his gaze and he never attempted to stop me. I couldn't figure out if that was good or not, and I decided I didn't want to overanalyze anything right now; my brain couldn't take another mood swing, another curved ball… I was too bruised as it was.

I reached for the door knob and this once, his hurt hand wasn't there to hold my wrist. He was still sitting in the floor, looking very much like the six year old boy I'd known and with whom I'd fallen in love with, and I wondered if his eyes were looking at me and were seeing that little innocent girl as well.

Because that was who we were, who we'd been… two kids who'd found love a little too soon for their own good. One who'd had to look for someone else to know how the world was like, and another one who was forced to see the world in gray pale shades on a different continent because of his decision... but when it was all said and done and all the cards dealt with, all the plans of the Fates set in motion… he and I were always there, implicit, tacit… laying in between the lines where only both of us could read…

Even if I couldn't hope, and he couldn't see it.

I broke our eye contact by looking at the floor and at my hands while I mumbled the words that had brought me here…

"_Just… promise me you'll go home"_

He nodded, and knowing his language… I knew that was a valid response.

I nodded too, and got out of there… wondering if _I_ would ever go home.


	9. It's Over

**Author's Note: **_So Next Chapter is the last one, and I'll try with everything I've got to deliver it as soon as possible. It's there sitting in my hard drive but I've been sort of busy, so that's why I haven't been updating or posting anything else... I still need to finish writing the other updates. This one goes to My Lesley (Avecia)because she introduced me to the song that inspired this part. "It's Over" by The Goo Goo Dolls. _

_Read Away!_

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_"_ _I can't stand without you  
And I won't find the answers when you're gone"_

--The Goo Goo Dolls

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"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Nine**

"**It's Over"**

The air was particularly chilly when I paid attention to my whereabouts. It woke me up because it was the only thing that matched my life: cold.

After I'd walked out of the comic book store knowing the uncertainty of my future, I spent most of the time wandering around and wondering where my home was. I'd spent a year… a year, a whole of 365 days or even more convincing myself that my home was here because _he_ was here and my whole life I'd wanted to be wherever _he_ was, but when the words had finally come out of his mouth, I'd passed out on the opportunity.

I knew my reasons have been valid… I needed to give him time. After he'd left me for another girl, no matter how briefly he'd "liked" her just like he said; after that girl had died… I needed to give him time to figure out how to deal… and I needed to give _myself_ some time.

It should've been easy. It should've been easy to just jump back into his arms like I'd done over and over again on dreams that turned into nightmares when suddenly he was snatched away from me.

It _had_ been easy, perfectly and torturously easy to feel him inside of me after so damn long and feel… complete. I was a prisoner of his powerful hold, and I knew he could've just said "I love you" and I would've stayed… but I felt as though I needed to find answers not just for him but for me too. I couldn't just ignore that year away, that tremendously big hole that had eaten my heart's veins and had deprived it from pumping blood into my body; just because, six months ago, he'd _attempted_ to go look for me.

For six months he'd been away from his home grieving her, not really healing… what could he know about _loving me_ now if the memory of me must've felt so foreign after watching someone die? And of course, there was always the gigantic question of it being real… would I ever know if he really _missed_ me? She'd died six months before, and if he really would've wanted me… if he really wanted to run away, wouldn't have he gone to me? To the only person who wanted to be his home? But instead his intentions, if there had been truly any, had remained incognito because he'd decided to hide his heart… How could I know if he wasn't hiding his heart when he'd decided to not make it work with her in the first place?

My head was a bundle of questions that I did my best to find answers to, but I couldn't… hence why I was here, hoping against my well being that this place, this tree, could give me answers.

I was sitting in the dirt, accommodated in between the roots of the big oak behind my mother's house… my knees to my chest and my somewhat trembling arms hugging myself as I stared to the specific part of the trunk I'd been looking for. Even when I couldn't see it because it was dark… it was carved inside my memory.

I brought one of my hands to my face to move the one strand of hair that always frustrated me because it wouldn't fit into a freaking ponytail and gathered the courage to do what I was doing: continue to rip myself apart.

Nervously and somehow hoping this would kill and save me, I brought my fingertips to touch the hard and rough wood of that oak… as I traced the _'T + R' _that we'd engraved here the night of our junior prom, me dressed in a red dress and high heels that would stick into the soil and he would have to grip me harder, and him dressed in a simply tux with black tie. I remembered he got his Swiss knife thingy out of his pocket and began carving in the wood absentmindedly while we talked about which colleges we wanted to apply to and didn't even realized he'd carved the _'T'_ of my name until I pointed out.

"_You… come natural for me"_ was what he answered, his cheeks flushed, something that happened rather rarely and I laughed, grabbed his face and responded: _"have I ever told you how cute you are?"_ to which he replied by moving my hands away from his face softly because it was just too fluffy for him… and as a way to make amends… I carved the _'R'_ of his name, knowing that it was already drawn with fire in my volatile heart.

And it was still here… in the wood, just like it would always be inside my soul.

Nothing had changed inside me… I still loved him… then where were all the answers I was dying to get? I wasn't sure… but I knew I wouldn't find them if I was alone… if he was gone from my life.

I was distracted by the sound of some steps and I rose from the ground too see who was coming.

"_Hey…"_ my mom's sweet voice resonated in the darkness and in my eardrums

"_Hi…"_ I sniffed as I half smiled and shrugged… it was cold, really cold.

"_Summer told me you had about two hours sitting here… you must be freezing"_ her voice was low but it had a tone of desperation and worry. I sighed while she extended me a jacket. My mom and her worries, the jacket was nice though.

"_Thanks"_ I said vaguely _"So, where is she?"_

She hesitated on answering me… everyone had done that in the course of the day.

"_She's… at the Cohen's"_ my mom pronounced the name almost humming it… if I hadn't known that name so much I wouldn't have known she'd said it.

"_Oh…"_ I mumbled as my mom pulled me into a hug. I sighed and kept on sighing without an apparent reason and it took me a while to notice the ever growing lump on my throat and another tear struggling its way out of my eye. I'd cried enough today… I really needed to get a grip on myself because the tears didn't have the answers I was looking for.

"_He's… back"_ My mom barely coughed. _"He's back and you'll be okay"_

I never had very… understanding moments like those with my mom because; on some levels it was still difficult to connect with her product of the coldness that had separated us on the past. But, the second she said those words… she _knew_… she knew that the whole reason why I'd been able to at least function back in France was because I lived under the impression that he was happy… that he didn't need me or miss me… that the sole thought of knowing he was okay brought me everything I wanted and was the air I breathed.

He was back home, back with his family; back where he belonged… it was all I needed to know to be okay…

He was okay and he'd gone back home because _I'd_ asked him to. If he was okay enough to go back home, if he was okay enough to be with everyone he loved again… I would be okay too.

And just like that my mom had painted a clear view in between all the darkness.

In _him_ lied all my answers… and as I watched our two initials together, not erased with the passage of time but perhaps even stronger now that time had scarred them, I knew everything I needed to know.

"_Can you take me…"_ I didn't finish the sentence before my mom pulled out completely and stared at me as if I was a nut-job. Maybe I was.

"_Sure you want to go there?"_

"_He said there was something he needed to tell me…"_

It was true, I wasn't sure of how it was going to work out because he could still say a lot of stuff that would hurt and it would take me time to trust him if he said something that didn't. But I needed to realize that if someone had died to take him to me, he deserved at least a chance to explain without my fear and pain getting in the way…

I was still unsure of my future just like I'd started but at least now I knew where my home was.

_Just there where I'd left it. _


	10. Feel This

**Author's Note: **_So here it is, the final chapter of this story. I have to thank Waltzy and Kris who reviewed every single chapter and who made me believe that this story wasn't that crazy... and because they both gave me the "QueenOfAngst" nickname lol. This story has a special place in my heart. Also, Waltzy sent me a PM telling me she would pester me until this was posted, so she also has something to do with this update when it's almost 11:00 pm here. lol. Girlie, you're such a doll!!  
_

_Thanks to all of you who read and who stuck with this. Written to "Feel This" by Bethany Joy Galeotti._

_Leave me a review at the end! I love you all!_

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_"What if I told you your tears haven't been ignored?_

_And everything that was taken can be restored?_

_Feel This... Can you feel this? My heart beating out of my chest..._

_Feel This... Can you feel this? _

_Salvation Under My Breath..."_

--Bethany Joy Galeotti.

* * *

"**Between The Lines"**

**Chapter Ten**

"**Feel This"**

My mom pulled over in their driveway and his jeep was there… as if it had never left. Actually the whole place was as I remember I'd seen it the first time Ryan and Seth had invited me over: Big house, big doors, and big windows… the people inside them that took me under their wings and close to their big hearts. It looked as though he'd never left… as if _I_'d never left and everything was still the same. For a moment I thought I was having an out of body experience and I would see Seth, Ryan and me throwing water balloons at each other while we ran around… Everything looked the same but would it ever be at least a semblance of what it had been? I was about to find out.

I looked at my mom as she pulled out her cell phone and in the silence of the night I recognized Summer's voice on the other end.

"_Is she okay? Just wait a second Veronica, I'll be right over."_

I felt a pang of guilt overcome me. Everyone was so damn worried about me… in what kind of zombie state had I been living?

"_Hey, Hey whoa, Summer, slow down…"_ my mom said in an even tone _"Everything's fine for the time being, I was just wondering if you could do me… or us… a favor"_

My mom eyed me and I wondered what was she up to. Why was she calling Summer if she was just inside? All I had to do was go out of the car…go to the door… knock on it… and…

A panic possessed me.

"_Sure…"_ Summer said a little curious and hesitant over the line. It distracted me for a second. _"Who's 'us'?"_

"_Taylor and me…"_ my mom breathed out _"She's here in the car with me and we're outside the Cohen's…"_

Summer kept silence while she grew more curious… so was I.

"_Can you make sure Ryan's on the pool house so Taylor can sneak down the back? I'm not sure if… seeing Sandy and Kirsten's a good idea, but she wants to talk to Ryan…"_

I was in awe. My mom knew me better than I knew myself. She anticipated my panic and how I was scared of seeing more people if I wasn't sure what was going to happen or if I'll have to say goodbye to them all over.

"_Oh okay…"_ Summer said _"Tell her to go down the back in five"_

My mom clicked her cell phone shut and looked at me with an understanding expression as I mouthed a soundless thank you.

I got out of the car after the five minutes passed and took a big breath just to start walking. It was my last chance to back out and I wasn't sure how this was going to go, what he would say, what would I do… if it will be all for nothing and I'd still have to leave two days from now…

But did it matter? Did it matter that I was scared when my feet kept going in front of each other one after the other until I was standing in front of the pool house door? It didn't matter… I was here… and this time, if I was going to have a déjà vu and relive what I'd already gone through a year ago, he was the one who would literally _have_ to leave the pool house… I didn't intend to run, nor did I have the will to.

So there was I, standing, when I took a deep breath to open the door and he came from behind me…

"_Hey…"_

I turned around startled when I saw him walking towards me, hands in the pocket of his jackets, smiling lazily at me. God, he was so beautiful, even bruised and hurt as he was… it was overwhelming.

"_I was looking for you"_

I cursed myself the second I said that… I was _standing_ in front of his door, and I'd _snuck_ down the back of the house, wasn't the fact that I was _looking _for him a little _obvious?_ I thought I had a cleverer thing to say, something that conveyed how much I'd struggled to get here, how much I was willing to see how far this would go even if I could end up emotionally impaired for the rest of my life.

"_So was I"_

I smiled back at him, nervously and amazed, the irony and the double meaning of those words not going unnoticed by the torturous beat of my heart… how had he done that? How had he just taken three words so small and had made them sound and feel like the whole world was hanging on them?

He looked at me for a moment before reaching behind me and opening the door, the chivalry in him winning me over as he gestured for me to go in first.

Once we were inside I didn't have time for my over-analytic mind to remember the last time I've been here, what was different and what was still in the same place… I didn't have to torture myself because he was there just looking at me as if waiting for me to say the word…

He was expecting me to leave. I could see it in his eyes. He was expecting me to just check out on him one last time, see if he was home, say goodbye and go away. His eyes were sad and big, like I'd never seen them and right that second I knew he wasn't mourning her_._

All this time, all these months… he'd been mourning _me._

"_Just… say it"_ if I'd said those same words hours before, I couldn't have possibly said them with the amount of weight he'd made me feel them.

"_I don't know where to start…"_ I said as I took a step closer to him.

"_Look…"_ he took one breath and kept on going _"I know I don't deserve you. And after having…"_ he swallowed and it forced me to look down because of how painful it was to hear him_ "killed someone… because of how undeserving I am, I know you're in your place to tell me to go to hell and look for someone else who can show you a better life."_

It was hard to hear him going down that path, that… self-deprecating road I'd never seen him go down to because I'd always been there to prevent it. But he'd _pushed_ me away… intentionally or not… he'd _chosen _to leave me aside, and even when I could see clearly that he loved me, I still had to say what would give me closure…

"_When you…"_ I sighed… this was starting to get harder than I'd predicted. _"When you started liking her… I was the one who thought she was undeserving. You… wanted to be with her, it broke my heart, but I knew it never made sense for you to love me in the first place… it still doesn't"_ I whispered all those words… the distance between us feeling even bigger than the whole ocean that had been there for the past year.

He had to know how I felt… it was the only way this could have a real chance of solving itself. He had to know that even though I loved him… I'd still gone through the same pain he'd had…

"_What do you mean?"_ he asked a little confused, still not moving an inch to touch me.

"_She died and the first time you see me, you act as if she was never… never a problem for us. I know it's because you said with her it never worked out… but it__… just… doesn't… make… sense… for you to love me…"_

It'd never made sense… we were so different one from the other… so on different leagues and levels and whatever other metaphor was there to say someone was completely out of your reach. That's who we were, and if we hadn't grown up together, he probably wouldn't have even noticed me… he would've noticed _her_ first… and then, if ever, _I_ would've _forced_ my way inside his life just so he would flash me a smile… just so he would _see_ me.

He looked at me and he felt my hesitation. Just like before, in the comic book store, he _felt_ me… It wasn't like he was reading my thoughts or inferring my words… he was actually _feeling_ me now, breathing me from across the room. And I noticed when he took just one little step towards me while he tried to wash my doubt and logic away.

"_I'm not saying you have to believe me now. I know that's gonna take some time after… everything… but… can I try to explain it?"_

"_Sure"_ I vaguely said trying to cover up the new wounds that saying the truth was causing in me. But at least this time he was here to see them… to try and fix them.

"_I can't say I didn't like her, that I didn't see something in her… She was supposedly perfect."_ That hurt… a lot… and for a flash second I thought that I'd definitely come here just to repeat the past and he would end up leaving me… but then he kept on going _"The moment I tried to kid myself… and told you it was best if we weren't together anymore that was the biggest lie my mouth has forced down my heart because there's no perfect for me, if there is no you. Since before she died… I was already cage fighting against myself when I opened my eyes and you weren't there. And when that… stupidity of leaving you led me to see someone else die…"_

"_It killed you inside…"_ I finished, tears flowing freely down my face, as they'd done all day.

"_It didn't kill _you_ inside me though… no matter how hard I tried"_

He emphasized the word "you" and I swear I felt my heart trying to open my chest and fly away.

After I heard those words I knew I couldn't ask him for anything else. Everything was solved already inside my head. It was all pieces of a puzzle I never thought I'd see armed, falling into place right after the other as if neither he nor I had ever had a choice to begin with. I loved him. I _would_ forgive him eventually… I would be able to _trust_ that he wouldn't hurt me again at some point… he would learn to _not_ let me go, he would learn to _keep me_ closer to his heart… he would learn to _feel_ again…

…And we would be us.

There had never been a choice. It was loud and clear… and… meant to be. We'd always be those two kids who were tied up to each other by an invisible bond… those kids who wrote absentmindedly each other's initials… those kids that would view the world differently with one single touch watching a TV show. We were the other's soul mate; each other's missing piece and being away; fighting against nature had only brought one physical death and two emotional ones…

Two kids running around frantically looking for something that had been at the exact same place where we'd left it: home.

This whole journey was not at all going to be easy. It was hardly all done and over with… we would still had to fight against my scars and his… we would have to walk through the valley of hurt to reach salvation on each other's breath but underneath it all I _knew_ now that he _loved_ me.

It was there on his stare like it always had in the way he smiled at me and I stopped fighting my instincts and reached closer to him to wrap him up in my arms… in the way he knew how much I hated that strand of hair and pulled it out of my sight when he gazed me again…

He loved me, and I loved him… and everything we'd broken, we could restore it as he watched into my eyes, our beating hearts fluttering, hoping, _feeling…_ not even kissing and barely touching…

Reading between the lines that it had always been… it would _always be_…

Him and I.


End file.
